Saturday, July 3, 2010

5 years!

Today is the five year anniversary of our first date! We went to Ester Short Park, spread a blanket under the trees and talked for about 4 hours. Then we realized it was after midnight and we were hungry. So, we went to Shari's and ate some food. Shari's is a 24 hour restaurant-similar to IHOP. Trey still giggles when she thinks about what I ordered. It was some sort of breakfast meal-but it was all meat! When my food came there was half a pig on the platter! She told me later that she was thinking-"Wow-this girl really likes meat!" (What can I say? I was nervous having my first date with a girl!)
I remember dropping off at her car. (We had met a mutual location) She looked at me, gave this big sigh and then got out of the car. I drove home a little confused...seriously thinking that she didn't like me and the next day we would have the "we're better off friends" conversation.

Obviously that didn't happen! Trey says that she sighed so heavily because she wanted to kiss me and she was afraid to. Thank goodness she got over that fear! :)

Yesterday, Trey was unexpectedly shopping near my work so we were able to go have lunch together. (Be amazed that I left the building during the day! That never happens.) We ended up at Shari's. On the way back to work, she was playing a CD that I made her a couple of years ago and this song came on that brought tears to my eyes. It used to make me cry for different reasons. But now it makes me cry happy tears-We have had an amazing 5 years-and the best is yet to come.

So, here are the words to the song:

Something Perfect
There’s an ache that’s missing today

There’s an emptiness that’s been filled
There’s a cloud that’s lifting and drifting away
There’s a ragin’ storm that’s been stilled
There’s a joy that’s real
There’s a wound that’s finally healed
There’s a future replacing the past
There’s breath of new life in the cast

And there’s something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows
It won’t disappear
This something that’s perfect
Happening here

No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow? No one can tell
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given
The world just made more room for heaven

And there’s something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear
And through countless tomorrows it won’t disappear
This something that’s perfectHappening here

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ugghh...Lesbians!

Saturday night we invited our friend Abbie over for a last minute BBQ. Abbie is going through a very nasty divorce and her father just died...not an easy year so far for our Abbie! Anyway, we were BBQ'ing burgers and we needed some buns. We also needed firewood for the outdoor fireplace.

So, against my better judgement we decided to go to Wal-Mart and get both things at once. I really detest Wal-Mart. Whenever I go there I get very tense and stressed out. I won't go into all of the reasons that I get tense, but suffice it to say I am usually grumpy by the time I leave.

Trey and I are walking down an aisle, not really talking..just kind of focused on getting the things that we need. Let me pause to describe Trey & I. We really are the stereotype of "Butch & Lipstick". Trey has very short hair, wears shorts and t-shirts, no make-up, totally cute! I have long hair, wear make-up, dresses, very girly. You get the picture. And just let me stress this-we are not in any way shape or form threatening! Anyway, we are walking down an aisle in the store, not holding hands or anyway and this couple walks by us-typical hetero couple and the guy turns to his wife/girlfriend/friend after looking at us and says "Uggghh...Lesbians!" She leans in and whispers something to him and then turns and looks at both of us. Trey wasn't paying attention to them and didn't really see or hear what was going on. So, I look straight at the woman who is giving us the "evil" eye and say to her quite loudly, "Seriously?" She kind of started a bit, turned a little green around the gills and quickly looked the other way. Of course Trey heard me and she asked what was going on. I told her and she looked at the couple hurriedly walking as quickly as possible away from us and then we just started giggling. The couple had the lesbian fear in them now! What did they think we were going to do? Jump them and tattoo them with rainbows? Hit them repeatedly over the head while screaming "You must accept us!" Incapacitate them and then force them to watch us kiss each other?

Of course we did none of those things. Although we did seriously consider if we saw them again in the store that we would kiss each other in front of them. But that was just me being spiteful.

I guess it hurts me that in this day and age there are still people who think this way. I know there are so many people out there like that..I guess I just live in an insulated world of acceptance. Which in some ways makes me very lucky..I am loved and accepted. And for me a lesson in acceptance and judgement.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Neighbors from Hell

So, when I originally purchased my home it was with my now ex-husband. I wasn't competely in love with the house or the area but at the time I thought it would be me who wouldn't be staying. I thought he would be. I was wrong. He left and I got the house in the seperation/divorce. The house was brand new and in what I lovingly refer to as a "Stepford neighborhood." All the houses are 1 of 2 colors and they all look alike. Most everyone that lives in the neighborhood is retired. There is a HOA ran by the retirees-and those of you that know HOAs know that the President and VP etc live to measure the length of your grass, check to see if the gutters are clean and generally are busy bodies who have nothing else to do but make you and the other homeowners miserable.

One of the things I loved about the house was that behind us there was a protected wetlands. We moved here in February and we loved watching the wetlands come alive with flowers and all of the sounds of Spring. There were all kinds of animals that would wander through our yard-possums, raccoons, squirrels, coyotes etc. It was awesome.

Ok, fast forward a couple of years-and guess what..they built a neighborhood behind us. They built 8 houses and the bottom fell out of the real estate market and they stopped building. There are two houses kitty corner from us. 1 was occupied and the other one stood empty. Until 7 months ago. In moved 4 men. Not sure which one the owner is. They didn't have blinds or curtains on the house for a couple of months so we learned a lot about them. They enjoy having sex with multiple men at the same time. They enjoy painting the walls while wearing only their underwear. They practice pole-dancing in the living room while in their underwear. (They may be exotic dancers. I am not sure.)

None of those things makes them the neighbors from Hell. Just a little annoying but also some free entertainment. However, the most annoying thing they do is they will have parties that start at midnight or later. They will go outside into their backyard and drink, smoke and be very loud for hours on end. Since our bedroom is in the back of the house, we get to listen to it and try to sleep through the din.

Last night was the last staw! We were almost asleep-it was about 12:45AM and we hear one of the guys go out into the backyard and start a fire in his firepit. The smell of the fire was nice. But soon there were 8 people out there drinking and talking. They kept getting louder and louder. They brought out their dogs and got them all riled up and barking. This went on until about 1:30am when the girls that were there were yelling at the top of their lungs about dirt and slivers and the dogs were barking and it was just crazy loud. So, Trey got up out of bed, went to window and said "Usually we don't say anything, but could you please be respectful and keep the noise down." One of the guys-whose name turned out to be Jeremy-started screaming obscenities at her. Calling her every name in the book-dropping the F-bomb. So Trey calmly says-"next time we will just call the cops." She walked away from the window and he continued to scream obscenities at us. His friends were trying to drag him in the house. He then started yelling about how we had ruined his summer and that it was the weekend and it was only 1:30 in the morning and everything was completely F'd up now because of us. She laid back down in bed and we just kinda were quiet for a bit..not knowing what to say. A little tense that he would come out of the house and try to break one of our windows or something. Just as we started relaxing he came back out of the house and started screaming obscenities again. Then all of them got in their cars and went screeching out of their neighborhood yelling. Needless to say we couldn't go back to sleep for hours. The last I looked at the clock it was 4AM.

I am tired and grumpy and feeling a little less at home now. It's not like I can just go complain to the Landlord or move. I own the house..they own theirs. I don't want this animosity-we practically share a backyard. I should be able to get a good night's sleep without being called every name in the book for expecting people to behave like grown-ups. Am I wrong here?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

End of May...

Wow-so it has been an extremely busy 6 weeks...and so much in our lives have changed.

First things first-my body is not behaving and I am not sure what to do. So, we aren't quite back to the baby track yet.

My Mom came to visit on April 28th. Little did she know that as a surprise her best friend was on the flight with her. She found out at the airport! They never get to see eachother so we bought the friend a plane ticket and she came out for 4 days with my Mom. (Happy Birthday, Mom!) We took them to the Jerusalem Cafe for lunch, BBQ'd that night, got up the next morning and drove to the beach. Stayed at the hotel that we so dearly love! My mom, who hates being cold, sat in the hot tub while we splashed around in the water. Then she came and jumped in the pool twice..it was so funny to watch her sputter and laugh! We played at the beach the next day before driving home. We went to church on Sunday and then the Farmers Market. I missed them so much when they left.

The following Tuesday-May 4th-Trey got fired. I couldn't believe it. Such a trumped up reason. They wouldn't let her listen to the call. It was all very political. I am bitter and angry and through with this soulless place that I work for.

This has put us in a financial bind. Then they denied her unemployment-which means that this is going to get ugly as we fight for it.! I wonder how it will hurt me at work because I will help her. I start thinking-I don't care. They did this to themselves.

I started reading the 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse. I feel like I am a very toxic place in my professional life and I need to not be. This thing with Trey has made it more difficult. Although, surprisingly, when I am at work, I am totally able to set it aside and deal with the people who did this thing and no one could ever say different.

I think that there are more changes ahead for us. Trey and I have been talking about what we want in our lives. We really want to live at the beach. She is working on starting her own company-I am praying that I will see the change I need to have happen for me and my life. Spring is here (kind of-the rain is still pouring down and Tuesday is June!) and with this season comes the need for something incredible to happen. And so, it will.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Cycle #2

We started watching my cycle again today. We should have been monitoring my temp the last 9 days...but I ignored the Basal Body Thermometer and didn't open it until tonight. So, I am actually 9 days into my cycle. I pee'd on a stick...tried out the BBT and got ready for bed. I will wake up in the AM and take my "official temp".

Finished a book today..cried the last 150 pages because one of the two main characters was dying of cancer. I cried so hard that Trey had to turn on her Mp3 player so she wouldn't cry with me. I get embarassed when I cry. I feel like I am still full of tears.

Goodnight Moon..

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Easter Weekend

I broke down in tears Easter morning.
I was dusting and getting the house ready for Trey's Dad and StepMom to come over and have dinner with us.
Turned on the TV to General Conference and the choir was singing "I wonder when He comes again. Will herald angels sing? Will Earth be white with drifted snow or will the world know Spring?" I couldn't look away from the TV. I just stood there in front of the tv with tears coursing down my cheeks. My heart ached..because sometimes I just miss it so much. I miss the comfort of the hymns, the peace in the rituals I grew up with. I miss sitting in Sacrament meeting and listening to the talks and watching the Dads fall asleep and the Moms feed their toddlers Cheerios. I miss discussing the BofM with other members in Sunday school and R.S. I miss it all.

Trey hugged me and asked me what was wrong. I finally choked out the words, "I just miss it so much sometimes." She told me to go back...but I cannot. It's one or the other for me..and I made my choice...but sometimes...my heart just hurts and I miss it so much.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Spring?

I have negected to write lately. I think the last thing I wrote was painful and I didn't know how to write more.
It's been a good month. We went to Newport for my birthday..rubbed the fertility statues and saw 2 beautiful sunsets.
Spring has sprung in Vancouver. We went to the Farmers Market today..got fresh flowers, tomatoes and cookies. Ate a hotdog...saw the cutest little guy learning to ride a bike. It was one of those faux bikes where there are no peddles. You use your feet to propel it forward. He couldn't have been more than 3..he was so cute with his little helmet and sandals. It was one of those moments where my heart literally hurt because I want a child so much. That was my affirmation that I truely do want a child.
Happy Saturday evening!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

What could have been....

Proof that you can find anyone on Facebook, I decided to do a little searching this evening. And guess what. I found the one person that has haunted me for 11 years. I looked at his picture-with his son wrapped in his arms-wedding ring barely visible at the bottom of the pic. He has lost a lot of hair-or he is shaving his head now. I really only recognized him in the eyes. I wish he was smiling in that picture. I want a memory of him smiling. Not the last memory I have of him- crying in the Boston airport-looking at my plane as it pulled away from the gate-his hand on the window. His other hand clutching at his shirt as if his heart was breaking. (Yes, this was back when people could go to the gate with you.) Flash forward 17 months in the future-3 days before my wedding-I send him an email asking for his address so I could return his baby pictures. Very breezy email saying-"Hi there, getting ready to move, found your baby pictures, thought your Moms might want them back. I know you moved-do you have an address I can send them to?" A couple of hours later, a response-"Hi Johanna. I have so much I want to say to you. So many things we need to talk about. So many things that need to be said...what happened...what is between us...I am on my way to a meeting, but I will email you back so we can talk. Here is my address." I took the address and deleted that email address so he couldn't email me again. Sent him his pictures with no return address. 3 days later-saying my wedding vows-thinking-"why isn't he here stopping this?" I know-stupid-but that was my thought. His wife isn't anything like who I thought he would end up. She looks like a nice person-sweet smile-kind eyes. I hope they are happy. I no longer am in love with him, but I will always love him.... for what could have been...We don't fit in eachother's worlds anymore...but I would like to see him smile again. Would that give me closure? I don't know...

Friday, February 12, 2010

Love-ly weekend

After everything was said and done at work with the "situation" or as I like to call it-the big, fat made up reason that really ruined the first month of the year-I took a step back, breathed some deep breaths and decided how to act. I am in a high profile position in the office. The people that went to HR are people I have to work with every day. They will attend my classes and rely on the information I give them. There was a high road-and after much pep talking to myself-I took it. I have decided that vengeance is just not for me. So, it is done. I cannot change the situation or what happened after. I don't do well dwelling in anger. So, it is gone. I have let it go.

I wrote a poem today. I felt inspired by love, by joy, and by reading Pablo Neruda. For the first time in weeks I feel open and hopeful. Thanks to a fellow blogger, Trey and I will be going to Newport in 3 weeks to rub the fertility statues and enjoy a weekend at the beach. She made the reservation today at our favorite hotel in Newport. (If you ever want to stay in an amazing hotel, I highly recommend it-www.elizabethstreetinn.com) My birthday is March 4th, (which is on a Thursday) so we both took off the next day. We will head for the beach Friday morning and come home late Saturday night. Besides the rubbing of the statues we have big plans. Eat some clam chowder, do a little bay front shopping, hopefully catch an amazing sunset, love on my sweet girl. Depending on what we want to do on Saturday, we may meander up the coast to Tillamook, stop by the Blue Heron and get some Brie (blueheronoregon.com), eat some amazing Tillamook ice cream, walk on the beach, love on my sweet girl some more. I am excited!

The hope is that my body will back on track this month. Evidently this is quite normal after a miscarriage. Plus I added in some aerobics classes and a once a-week belly dancing class. Emotionally, the working out has been the best thing I have done for myself this year. I find myself leaving belly dancing on Thursday nights and feeling empowered and joyful! I bought a hip scarf last night so I can do some jangling when I move.

This weekend feels full of love and hope...

Friday, January 29, 2010

Friday night

So, the big talk with my manager ended up being about T. I listened to one of her calls and for some reason 2 managers had a problem with that and took it to HR to get me in trouble. I listen to calls every week and this was nothing new. I know who did it. I haven't spoken to either of them this week beyond what I had to. The anger just overwhelmed me last week! And I don't like being angry!

Sunday morning T and I dragged ourselves out of bed to go to church. It was one of those mornings where you just don't want to go but something is telling you that you should. I swear the sermon could have been titled-"Johanna, this one is for you!" It was all about the power of saying no so you could say yes. And the biggest lesson I took away from it was to not let people distract you from the "great project" you are working on. Trey and I did some praying and letting go and that seemed to help immensely. The week became much much better..and bearable as well!

The hardest part of the week was my bizarre confrontational conversation with George. He is offended because Trey is going to take my maiden name when we get married. (Not that I am going back to my maiden name.) He says it is disrespectful to my family and my heritage. I was completely blown away by what he said-of course he was probably in the angry part of his alcoholism that night. He told me that I had emasculated him because I didn't agree with him. I remembered all the reasons we separated and why by the end of our marriage I couldn't eat or sleep and I was pretty sure he was going to kill me. The whole incident shook me to my core and the feeling has lasted for days now.

The best part of the week was my belly dancing class. So much fun! And I loved that by the end of the class I felt sexy and powerful! It's been ages since I have felt that way! I am sore and exhausted and it's wonderful. I want the tshirt that says "Become a Goddess. Belly Dance." :)

That's it for me. I am going to finish watching Buffy on Logo and relax. :)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Really?

Ok..I am so going to vent again! First, I don't feel good. Trey feels awful and ends up with H1N1! Then I get called for jury duty next week. Terrible week for that to happen. How can I do this to my co-workers!! And then I get the email from Suzi (manager) saying we need to have a discussion..and make it somewhere private. So, basically, don't call from the office I share with M & A. After what happened to Trey last week..I just don't trust this! They are going to say that one of us has to leave. In the horrid economy, they expect people to find new jobs. And both Trey and I are good employees..and we don't report to eachother. Grrr....I am so so pissed right now!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sick

So, yesterday started off by me leaving work at 8:45 to take Trey to the doctor and then take her home. By the time we got home, I was feeling pretty sick and ended up not going back to work. I slept a lot yesterday. Trey is being treated for H1N1. She is finally starting to feel better, but the doctor isn't letting her go back to work for another week. I am worried that this is just going to get worse for me before it gets better.

I just feel sad. Not sure why.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Death

My morning started out good. I woke up, brushed my teeth and called my friend Daisy! We had planned out a "phone date" today since we live across the country from each other and our schedules don't exactly mesh. We chatted for a couple of hours and then as I was getting off the phone, Trey came upstairs with the mail. She asked me, "who is Michael Murtaugh?" I got a big smile on my face and said, "my friend from PA. Did he send us a card?" (I had sent him a Christmas card last month.) She laid down on the bed by me and said, "he died." Turns out the Christmas card that I sent him last month was forwarded to his parents in Rhode Island. They took the time to send me a letter letting me know that last February, Michael died from complications due to surgery. I am so incredibly sad. I "met" Michael 10 years ago when he called in for tech support on his email. We immediately hit it off and became friends. After I moved to Washington, we would talk on the phone almost every night. He was always a good person to bounce ideas off of, laugh with or even just cry with. I remember the night he called to tell me that he had to put his cat to sleep. (I cannot remember his cat's name, but it was a name from a Shakespeare play.) We sat on the phone and just cried. We had great religious debates...he had, at one point, gone to Seminary to become a priest. He was endlessly fascinated by the LDS religion and we read a couple of books together so he would understand it more. When George and I seperated, he was devastated. When he found out about Trey, he was supportive and loving. At one point, he even offered to be our sperm donor. The last time we talked on the phone was January 2009, about a month before he died. He mentioned he was going to have surgery the following month. I never called to check on him. I got so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't call him. I feel so guilty, so sad and so hurt that he is not here anymore. My heart is sad...and I miss my friend.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

The New Year

We were hoping that we would be TTC #2 would be this month! But now I am reminded of these words: "Women plan. God laughs." (Johanna's take on those famous words.) My period never showed up in December. I am going to chalk it up to nonstop company for 5 weeks in a row, exhaustion, Christmas, work etc. I will start the White Peony tonight and see if I can force it to start. Then I can start the monitoring again. We go back to aerobics class tomorrow night. I need more folic acid to make my body a welcome habitat. So, orange juice and leafy green veggies-here I come! Getting through the holidays was hard. Almost every day I had to remind myself that Trey and I were together and what happened last year wasn't going to happen again. I kept thinking things like, "a year ago today Trey broke up with me." A year ago today Trey moved out. A year ago today I crawled in bed with Trey and held her. A year ago today etc etc etc..." I shared this with Trey and that helped so much. Just to be able to express how scared and sad I was. So, with all of the stress, I think my period just took the month off.

One of my goals for this year is to write happier things on this blog.