Things are hard these days...In October we lost the house...we moved the 2nd week of November. We went from a 2004 cookie cutter house to a 1924 farmhouse. It's been hard on our relationship. We have had sex once since we moved. We spent a couple of months fighting over everything and nothing.
Trey got some seasonal work over Christmas, but it ended right after Valentine's Day. (Thank goodness for unemployment.)
The divorce is getting ugly. George hired a lawyer and is making all kinds of threats. I think my heart breaks a little bit every day when I think of all the pain the last 11 years have caused. I should have filed for divorce when he moved out. It's hurt me and it's hurt Trey. And I think it's hurt George. He harbors this resentment because he thinks I have held him back. But you know what..I have to be selfish and say-I don't care. I am not responsible for his feelings. I never wanted anything from him but to be loved. He couldn't do that. He hates that I am with Trey and he sees me happy. (Facebook causes grief sometimes.) I just want it to be over.
I wondered out loud to Jennie a couple of weeks ago-"Am I never satisfied with what I have?" That thought scared me....I want to be satisfied....
I turned 39 at the beginning of March. I remember turning 19-I was working at Mervyns and Olan Mills...I was single, happy and very carefree. I remember turning 29-I had moved to Vancouver a few months before..my marriage was a few months old-we had gone to the beach for my birthday and had a nice day. I think I knew even then it wouldn't last. 39 was a good birthday-Trey threw me a nice party-people that I loved were there. I wonder what 49 will bring?
How did I end up with the Sunday blues on a Saturday night?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Dreams
Every time I have any sort of significant dream about Jason the dreams always take place in a circular grey 3 story house. The house has a lot of trees around it. The trees are always green and the ground is always slightly damp like its late Winter or early Spring.
You would think that after almost 11 years I wouldn't dream about him. So, when the dreams happen I always feel a little distraught. A bit sad. And all of the "what if" feelings rise again...to haunt me for a few days....cause my soul to ache and the unbearable tearing of all that I held dear back then rip some more so once again I feel raw and exposed...
In this dream we were in the house...it felt like we were arguing, but I am not sure about what. We were on the top floor...sort of a loft and I walked down the short flight of stairs to the second floor. He followed me. I started to tell him that I didn't know if our relationship was right...and he grabbed my arm..spun me around towards him...he reached out with his right hand..touched my face.."Johanna" he said so softly in that voice I've never been able to erase from my memory.."Please, just let me..." and then he leaned in...I could feel his breath on my lips...and then he laid his lips against mine...I cannot think of any other way to describe it other than laying his lips against mine....he pulled back away from me...just enough so we could look into eachother's eyes...and he asked me the question that I torment myself with every time I think about him. "Why? Why can't we change this?" My eyes filled up with tears and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I ripped myself out of the moment. I pulled away as if I was a movie camera. I saw both of us standing there as if I was looking in through a window at someone else. His hand on my cheek...everything grey...damp...staring at eachother..tears running down our faces...and he was saying..."change this...change this...we have to change this.."
I woke up...tears in my throat whispering "change this.."
Sigh...no wonder it's been a hard week.
You would think that after almost 11 years I wouldn't dream about him. So, when the dreams happen I always feel a little distraught. A bit sad. And all of the "what if" feelings rise again...to haunt me for a few days....cause my soul to ache and the unbearable tearing of all that I held dear back then rip some more so once again I feel raw and exposed...
In this dream we were in the house...it felt like we were arguing, but I am not sure about what. We were on the top floor...sort of a loft and I walked down the short flight of stairs to the second floor. He followed me. I started to tell him that I didn't know if our relationship was right...and he grabbed my arm..spun me around towards him...he reached out with his right hand..touched my face.."Johanna" he said so softly in that voice I've never been able to erase from my memory.."Please, just let me..." and then he leaned in...I could feel his breath on my lips...and then he laid his lips against mine...I cannot think of any other way to describe it other than laying his lips against mine....he pulled back away from me...just enough so we could look into eachother's eyes...and he asked me the question that I torment myself with every time I think about him. "Why? Why can't we change this?" My eyes filled up with tears and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I ripped myself out of the moment. I pulled away as if I was a movie camera. I saw both of us standing there as if I was looking in through a window at someone else. His hand on my cheek...everything grey...damp...staring at eachother..tears running down our faces...and he was saying..."change this...change this...we have to change this.."
I woke up...tears in my throat whispering "change this.."
Sigh...no wonder it's been a hard week.
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