What could have been....

Proof that you can find anyone on Facebook, I decided to do a little searching this evening. And guess what. I found the one person that has haunted me for 11 years. I looked at his picture-with his son wrapped in his arms-wedding ring barely visible at the bottom of the pic. He has lost a lot of hair-or he is shaving his head now. I really only recognized him in the eyes. I wish he was smiling in that picture. I want a memory of him smiling. Not the last memory I have of him- crying in the Boston airport-looking at my plane as it pulled away from the gate-his hand on the window. His other hand clutching at his shirt as if his heart was breaking. (Yes, this was back when people could go to the gate with you.) Flash forward 17 months in the future-3 days before my wedding-I send him an email asking for his address so I could return his baby pictures. Very breezy email saying-"Hi there, getting ready to move, found your baby pictures, thought your Moms might want them back. I know you moved-do you have an address I can send them to?" A couple of hours later, a response-"Hi Johanna. I have so much I want to say to you. So many things we need to talk about. So many things that need to be said...what happened...what is between us...I am on my way to a meeting, but I will email you back so we can talk. Here is my address." I took the address and deleted that email address so he couldn't email me again. Sent him his pictures with no return address. 3 days later-saying my wedding vows-thinking-"why isn't he here stopping this?" I know-stupid-but that was my thought. His wife isn't anything like who I thought he would end up. She looks like a nice person-sweet smile-kind eyes. I hope they are happy. I no longer am in love with him, but I will always love him.... for what could have been...We don't fit in eachother's worlds anymore...but I would like to see him smile again. Would that give me closure? I don't know...