What could have been....

Proof that you can find anyone on Facebook, I decided to do a little searching this evening. And guess what. I found the one person that has haunted me for 11 years. I looked at his picture-with his son wrapped in his arms-wedding ring barely visible at the bottom of the pic. He has lost a lot of hair-or he is shaving his head now. I really only recognized him in the eyes. I wish he was smiling in that picture. I want a memory of him smiling. Not the last memory I have of him- crying in the Boston airport-looking at my plane as it pulled away from the gate-his hand on the window. His other hand clutching at his shirt as if his heart was breaking. (Yes, this was back when people could go to the gate with you.) Flash forward 17 months in the future-3 days before my wedding-I send him an email asking for his address so I could return his baby pictures. Very breezy email saying-"Hi there, getting ready to move, found your baby pictures, thought your Moms might want them back. I know you moved-do you have an address I can send them to?" A couple of hours later, a response-"Hi Johanna. I have so much I want to say to you. So many things we need to talk about. So many things that need to be said...what happened...what is between us...I am on my way to a meeting, but I will email you back so we can talk. Here is my address." I took the address and deleted that email address so he couldn't email me again. Sent him his pictures with no return address. 3 days later-saying my wedding vows-thinking-"why isn't he here stopping this?" I know-stupid-but that was my thought. His wife isn't anything like who I thought he would end up. She looks like a nice person-sweet smile-kind eyes. I hope they are happy. I no longer am in love with him, but I will always love him.... for what could have been...We don't fit in eachother's worlds anymore...but I would like to see him smile again. Would that give me closure? I don't know...

Love-ly weekend

After everything was said and done at work with the "situation" or as I like to call it-the big, fat made up reason that really ruined the first month of the year-I took a step back, breathed some deep breaths and decided how to act. I am in a high profile position in the office. The people that went to HR are people I have to work with every day. They will attend my classes and rely on the information I give them. There was a high road-and after much pep talking to myself-I took it. I have decided that vengeance is just not for me. So, it is done. I cannot change the situation or what happened after. I don't do well dwelling in anger. So, it is gone. I have let it go.

I wrote a poem today. I felt inspired by love, by joy, and by reading Pablo Neruda. For the first time in weeks I feel open and hopeful. Thanks to a fellow blogger, Trey and I will be going to Newport in 3 weeks to rub the fertility statues and enjoy a weekend at the beach. She made the reservation today at our favorite hotel in Newport. (If you ever want to stay in an amazing hotel, I highly recommend it-www.elizabethstreetinn.com) My birthday is March 4th, (which is on a Thursday) so we both took off the next day. We will head for the beach Friday morning and come home late Saturday night. Besides the rubbing of the statues we have big plans. Eat some clam chowder, do a little bay front shopping, hopefully catch an amazing sunset, love on my sweet girl. Depending on what we want to do on Saturday, we may meander up the coast to Tillamook, stop by the Blue Heron and get some Brie (blueheronoregon.com), eat some amazing Tillamook ice cream, walk on the beach, love on my sweet girl some more. I am excited!

The hope is that my body will back on track this month. Evidently this is quite normal after a miscarriage. Plus I added in some aerobics classes and a once a-week belly dancing class. Emotionally, the working out has been the best thing I have done for myself this year. I find myself leaving belly dancing on Thursday nights and feeling empowered and joyful! I bought a hip scarf last night so I can do some jangling when I move.

This weekend feels full of love and hope...