What could have been....

Proof that you can find anyone on Facebook, I decided to do a little searching this evening. And guess what. I found the one person that has haunted me for 11 years. I looked at his picture-with his son wrapped in his arms-wedding ring barely visible at the bottom of the pic. He has lost a lot of hair-or he is shaving his head now. I really only recognized him in the eyes. I wish he was smiling in that picture. I want a memory of him smiling. Not the last memory I have of him- crying in the Boston airport-looking at my plane as it pulled away from the gate-his hand on the window. His other hand clutching at his shirt as if his heart was breaking. (Yes, this was back when people could go to the gate with you.) Flash forward 17 months in the future-3 days before my wedding-I send him an email asking for his address so I could return his baby pictures. Very breezy email saying-"Hi there, getting ready to move, found your baby pictures, thought your Moms might want them back. I know you moved-do you have an address I can send them to?" A couple of hours later, a response-"Hi Johanna. I have so much I want to say to you. So many things we need to talk about. So many things that need to be said...what happened...what is between us...I am on my way to a meeting, but I will email you back so we can talk. Here is my address." I took the address and deleted that email address so he couldn't email me again. Sent him his pictures with no return address. 3 days later-saying my wedding vows-thinking-"why isn't he here stopping this?" I know-stupid-but that was my thought. His wife isn't anything like who I thought he would end up. She looks like a nice person-sweet smile-kind eyes. I hope they are happy. I no longer am in love with him, but I will always love him.... for what could have been...We don't fit in eachother's worlds anymore...but I would like to see him smile again. Would that give me closure? I don't know...

Love-ly weekend

After everything was said and done at work with the "situation" or as I like to call it-the big, fat made up reason that really ruined the first month of the year-I took a step back, breathed some deep breaths and decided how to act. I am in a high profile position in the office. The people that went to HR are people I have to work with every day. They will attend my classes and rely on the information I give them. There was a high road-and after much pep talking to myself-I took it. I have decided that vengeance is just not for me. So, it is done. I cannot change the situation or what happened after. I don't do well dwelling in anger. So, it is gone. I have let it go.

I wrote a poem today. I felt inspired by love, by joy, and by reading Pablo Neruda. For the first time in weeks I feel open and hopeful. Thanks to a fellow blogger, Trey and I will be going to Newport in 3 weeks to rub the fertility statues and enjoy a weekend at the beach. She made the reservation today at our favorite hotel in Newport. (If you ever want to stay in an amazing hotel, I highly recommend it-www.elizabethstreetinn.com) My birthday is March 4th, (which is on a Thursday) so we both took off the next day. We will head for the beach Friday morning and come home late Saturday night. Besides the rubbing of the statues we have big plans. Eat some clam chowder, do a little bay front shopping, hopefully catch an amazing sunset, love on my sweet girl. Depending on what we want to do on Saturday, we may meander up the coast to Tillamook, stop by the Blue Heron and get some Brie (blueheronoregon.com), eat some amazing Tillamook ice cream, walk on the beach, love on my sweet girl some more. I am excited!

The hope is that my body will back on track this month. Evidently this is quite normal after a miscarriage. Plus I added in some aerobics classes and a once a-week belly dancing class. Emotionally, the working out has been the best thing I have done for myself this year. I find myself leaving belly dancing on Thursday nights and feeling empowered and joyful! I bought a hip scarf last night so I can do some jangling when I move.

This weekend feels full of love and hope...

Friday night

So, the big talk with my manager ended up being about T. I listened to one of her calls and for some reason 2 managers had a problem with that and took it to HR to get me in trouble. I listen to calls every week and this was nothing new. I know who did it. I haven't spoken to either of them this week beyond what I had to. The anger just overwhelmed me last week! And I don't like being angry!

Sunday morning T and I dragged ourselves out of bed to go to church. It was one of those mornings where you just don't want to go but something is telling you that you should. I swear the sermon could have been titled-"Johanna, this one is for you!" It was all about the power of saying no so you could say yes. And the biggest lesson I took away from it was to not let people distract you from the "great project" you are working on. Trey and I did some praying and letting go and that seemed to help immensely. The week became much much better..and bearable as well!

The hardest part of the week was my bizarre confrontational conversation with George. He is offended because Trey is going to take my maiden name when we get married. (Not that I am going back to my maiden name.) He says it is disrespectful to my family and my heritage. I was completely blown away by what he said-of course he was probably in the angry part of his alcoholism that night. He told me that I had emasculated him because I didn't agree with him. I remembered all the reasons we separated and why by the end of our marriage I couldn't eat or sleep and I was pretty sure he was going to kill me. The whole incident shook me to my core and the feeling has lasted for days now.

The best part of the week was my belly dancing class. So much fun! And I loved that by the end of the class I felt sexy and powerful! It's been ages since I have felt that way! I am sore and exhausted and it's wonderful. I want the tshirt that says "Become a Goddess. Belly Dance." :)

That's it for me. I am going to finish watching Buffy on Logo and relax. :)

Really?

Ok..I am so going to vent again! First, I don't feel good. Trey feels awful and ends up with H1N1! Then I get called for jury duty next week. Terrible week for that to happen. How can I do this to my co-workers!! And then I get the email from Suzi (manager) saying we need to have a discussion..and make it somewhere private. So, basically, don't call from the office I share with M & A. After what happened to Trey last week..I just don't trust this! They are going to say that one of us has to leave. In the horrid economy, they expect people to find new jobs. And both Trey and I are good employees..and we don't report to eachother. Grrr....I am so so pissed right now!

Sick

So, yesterday started off by me leaving work at 8:45 to take Trey to the doctor and then take her home. By the time we got home, I was feeling pretty sick and ended up not going back to work. I slept a lot yesterday. Trey is being treated for H1N1. She is finally starting to feel better, but the doctor isn't letting her go back to work for another week. I am worried that this is just going to get worse for me before it gets better.

I just feel sad. Not sure why.

Death

My morning started out good. I woke up, brushed my teeth and called my friend Daisy! We had planned out a "phone date" today since we live across the country from each other and our schedules don't exactly mesh. We chatted for a couple of hours and then as I was getting off the phone, Trey came upstairs with the mail. She asked me, "who is Michael Murtaugh?" I got a big smile on my face and said, "my friend from PA. Did he send us a card?" (I had sent him a Christmas card last month.) She laid down on the bed by me and said, "he died." Turns out the Christmas card that I sent him last month was forwarded to his parents in Rhode Island. They took the time to send me a letter letting me know that last February, Michael died from complications due to surgery. I am so incredibly sad. I "met" Michael 10 years ago when he called in for tech support on his email. We immediately hit it off and became friends. After I moved to Washington, we would talk on the phone almost every night. He was always a good person to bounce ideas off of, laugh with or even just cry with. I remember the night he called to tell me that he had to put his cat to sleep. (I cannot remember his cat's name, but it was a name from a Shakespeare play.) We sat on the phone and just cried. We had great religious debates...he had, at one point, gone to Seminary to become a priest. He was endlessly fascinated by the LDS religion and we read a couple of books together so he would understand it more. When George and I seperated, he was devastated. When he found out about Trey, he was supportive and loving. At one point, he even offered to be our sperm donor. The last time we talked on the phone was January 2009, about a month before he died. He mentioned he was going to have surgery the following month. I never called to check on him. I got so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't call him. I feel so guilty, so sad and so hurt that he is not here anymore. My heart is sad...and I miss my friend.

The New Year

We were hoping that we would be TTC #2 would be this month! But now I am reminded of these words: "Women plan. God laughs." (Johanna's take on those famous words.) My period never showed up in December. I am going to chalk it up to nonstop company for 5 weeks in a row, exhaustion, Christmas, work etc. I will start the White Peony tonight and see if I can force it to start. Then I can start the monitoring again. We go back to aerobics class tomorrow night. I need more folic acid to make my body a welcome habitat. So, orange juice and leafy green veggies-here I come! Getting through the holidays was hard. Almost every day I had to remind myself that Trey and I were together and what happened last year wasn't going to happen again. I kept thinking things like, "a year ago today Trey broke up with me." A year ago today Trey moved out. A year ago today I crawled in bed with Trey and held her. A year ago today etc etc etc..." I shared this with Trey and that helped so much. Just to be able to express how scared and sad I was. So, with all of the stress, I think my period just took the month off.

One of my goals for this year is to write happier things on this blog.