Disappointment

I think I knew about 25 days ago that I wasn't pregnant. My gut tells me that the bleeding I had at the beginning of the month wasn't implantation bleeding or even a period. It was a miscarriage of a barely pregnant body. My heart hurts in strange ways. I just want my period to start so that I can begin monitoring my cycle again. I want to clean my house and bake bread and make everything feel all right. I want Trey to come home from work and not be sad. I want to be able to know that a year from now we will take our little one trick or treating. I don't know that I have ever wanted anything as much as I want us to have a baby. Why can't I cry about this?