Dreams

Every time I have any sort of significant dream about Jason the dreams always take place in a circular grey 3 story house. The house has a lot of trees around it. The trees are always green and the ground is always slightly damp like its late Winter or early Spring.

You would think that after almost 11 years I wouldn't dream about him. So, when the dreams happen I always feel a little distraught. A bit sad. And all of the "what if" feelings rise again...to haunt me for a few days....cause my soul to ache and the unbearable tearing of all that I held dear back then rip some more so once again I feel raw and exposed...

In this dream we were in the house...it felt like we were arguing, but I am not sure about what. We were on the top floor...sort of a loft and I walked down the short flight of stairs to the second floor. He followed me. I started to tell him that I didn't know if our relationship was right...and he grabbed my arm..spun me around towards him...he reached out with his right hand..touched my face.."Johanna" he said so softly in that voice I've never been able to erase from my memory.."Please, just let me..." and then he leaned in...I could feel his breath on my lips...and then he laid his lips against mine...I cannot think of any other way to describe it other than laying his lips against mine....he pulled back away from me...just enough so we could look into eachother's eyes...and he asked me the question that I torment myself with every time I think about him. "Why? Why can't we change this?" My eyes filled up with tears and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I ripped myself out of the moment. I pulled away as if I was a movie camera. I saw both of us standing there as if I was looking in through a window at someone else. His hand on my cheek...everything grey...damp...staring at eachother..tears running down our faces...and he was saying..."change this...change this...we have to change this.."

I woke up...tears in my throat whispering "change this.."

Sigh...no wonder it's been a hard week.