Easter Weekend

I broke down in tears Easter morning.
I was dusting and getting the house ready for Trey's Dad and StepMom to come over and have dinner with us.
Turned on the TV to General Conference and the choir was singing "I wonder when He comes again. Will herald angels sing? Will Earth be white with drifted snow or will the world know Spring?" I couldn't look away from the TV. I just stood there in front of the tv with tears coursing down my cheeks. My heart ached..because sometimes I just miss it so much. I miss the comfort of the hymns, the peace in the rituals I grew up with. I miss sitting in Sacrament meeting and listening to the talks and watching the Dads fall asleep and the Moms feed their toddlers Cheerios. I miss discussing the BofM with other members in Sunday school and R.S. I miss it all.

Trey hugged me and asked me what was wrong. I finally choked out the words, "I just miss it so much sometimes." She told me to go back...but I cannot. It's one or the other for me..and I made my choice...but sometimes...my heart just hurts and I miss it so much.

Spring?

I have negected to write lately. I think the last thing I wrote was painful and I didn't know how to write more.
It's been a good month. We went to Newport for my birthday..rubbed the fertility statues and saw 2 beautiful sunsets.
Spring has sprung in Vancouver. We went to the Farmers Market today..got fresh flowers, tomatoes and cookies. Ate a hotdog...saw the cutest little guy learning to ride a bike. It was one of those faux bikes where there are no peddles. You use your feet to propel it forward. He couldn't have been more than 3..he was so cute with his little helmet and sandals. It was one of those moments where my heart literally hurt because I want a child so much. That was my affirmation that I truely do want a child.
Happy Saturday evening!

What could have been....

Proof that you can find anyone on Facebook, I decided to do a little searching this evening. And guess what. I found the one person that has haunted me for 11 years. I looked at his picture-with his son wrapped in his arms-wedding ring barely visible at the bottom of the pic. He has lost a lot of hair-or he is shaving his head now. I really only recognized him in the eyes. I wish he was smiling in that picture. I want a memory of him smiling. Not the last memory I have of him- crying in the Boston airport-looking at my plane as it pulled away from the gate-his hand on the window. His other hand clutching at his shirt as if his heart was breaking. (Yes, this was back when people could go to the gate with you.) Flash forward 17 months in the future-3 days before my wedding-I send him an email asking for his address so I could return his baby pictures. Very breezy email saying-"Hi there, getting ready to move, found your baby pictures, thought your Moms might want them back. I know you moved-do you have an address I can send them to?" A couple of hours later, a response-"Hi Johanna. I have so much I want to say to you. So many things we need to talk about. So many things that need to be said...what happened...what is between us...I am on my way to a meeting, but I will email you back so we can talk. Here is my address." I took the address and deleted that email address so he couldn't email me again. Sent him his pictures with no return address. 3 days later-saying my wedding vows-thinking-"why isn't he here stopping this?" I know-stupid-but that was my thought. His wife isn't anything like who I thought he would end up. She looks like a nice person-sweet smile-kind eyes. I hope they are happy. I no longer am in love with him, but I will always love him.... for what could have been...We don't fit in eachother's worlds anymore...but I would like to see him smile again. Would that give me closure? I don't know...

Love-ly weekend

After everything was said and done at work with the "situation" or as I like to call it-the big, fat made up reason that really ruined the first month of the year-I took a step back, breathed some deep breaths and decided how to act. I am in a high profile position in the office. The people that went to HR are people I have to work with every day. They will attend my classes and rely on the information I give them. There was a high road-and after much pep talking to myself-I took it. I have decided that vengeance is just not for me. So, it is done. I cannot change the situation or what happened after. I don't do well dwelling in anger. So, it is gone. I have let it go.

I wrote a poem today. I felt inspired by love, by joy, and by reading Pablo Neruda. For the first time in weeks I feel open and hopeful. Thanks to a fellow blogger, Trey and I will be going to Newport in 3 weeks to rub the fertility statues and enjoy a weekend at the beach. She made the reservation today at our favorite hotel in Newport. (If you ever want to stay in an amazing hotel, I highly recommend it-www.elizabethstreetinn.com) My birthday is March 4th, (which is on a Thursday) so we both took off the next day. We will head for the beach Friday morning and come home late Saturday night. Besides the rubbing of the statues we have big plans. Eat some clam chowder, do a little bay front shopping, hopefully catch an amazing sunset, love on my sweet girl. Depending on what we want to do on Saturday, we may meander up the coast to Tillamook, stop by the Blue Heron and get some Brie (blueheronoregon.com), eat some amazing Tillamook ice cream, walk on the beach, love on my sweet girl some more. I am excited!

The hope is that my body will back on track this month. Evidently this is quite normal after a miscarriage. Plus I added in some aerobics classes and a once a-week belly dancing class. Emotionally, the working out has been the best thing I have done for myself this year. I find myself leaving belly dancing on Thursday nights and feeling empowered and joyful! I bought a hip scarf last night so I can do some jangling when I move.

This weekend feels full of love and hope...

Friday night

So, the big talk with my manager ended up being about T. I listened to one of her calls and for some reason 2 managers had a problem with that and took it to HR to get me in trouble. I listen to calls every week and this was nothing new. I know who did it. I haven't spoken to either of them this week beyond what I had to. The anger just overwhelmed me last week! And I don't like being angry!

Sunday morning T and I dragged ourselves out of bed to go to church. It was one of those mornings where you just don't want to go but something is telling you that you should. I swear the sermon could have been titled-"Johanna, this one is for you!" It was all about the power of saying no so you could say yes. And the biggest lesson I took away from it was to not let people distract you from the "great project" you are working on. Trey and I did some praying and letting go and that seemed to help immensely. The week became much much better..and bearable as well!

The hardest part of the week was my bizarre confrontational conversation with George. He is offended because Trey is going to take my maiden name when we get married. (Not that I am going back to my maiden name.) He says it is disrespectful to my family and my heritage. I was completely blown away by what he said-of course he was probably in the angry part of his alcoholism that night. He told me that I had emasculated him because I didn't agree with him. I remembered all the reasons we separated and why by the end of our marriage I couldn't eat or sleep and I was pretty sure he was going to kill me. The whole incident shook me to my core and the feeling has lasted for days now.

The best part of the week was my belly dancing class. So much fun! And I loved that by the end of the class I felt sexy and powerful! It's been ages since I have felt that way! I am sore and exhausted and it's wonderful. I want the tshirt that says "Become a Goddess. Belly Dance." :)

That's it for me. I am going to finish watching Buffy on Logo and relax. :)

Really?

Ok..I am so going to vent again! First, I don't feel good. Trey feels awful and ends up with H1N1! Then I get called for jury duty next week. Terrible week for that to happen. How can I do this to my co-workers!! And then I get the email from Suzi (manager) saying we need to have a discussion..and make it somewhere private. So, basically, don't call from the office I share with M & A. After what happened to Trey last week..I just don't trust this! They are going to say that one of us has to leave. In the horrid economy, they expect people to find new jobs. And both Trey and I are good employees..and we don't report to eachother. Grrr....I am so so pissed right now!

Sick

So, yesterday started off by me leaving work at 8:45 to take Trey to the doctor and then take her home. By the time we got home, I was feeling pretty sick and ended up not going back to work. I slept a lot yesterday. Trey is being treated for H1N1. She is finally starting to feel better, but the doctor isn't letting her go back to work for another week. I am worried that this is just going to get worse for me before it gets better.

I just feel sad. Not sure why.