Things are hard these days...In October we lost the house...we moved the 2nd week of November. We went from a 2004 cookie cutter house to a 1924 farmhouse. It's been hard on our relationship. We have had sex once since we moved. We spent a couple of months fighting over everything and nothing.
Trey got some seasonal work over Christmas, but it ended right after Valentine's Day. (Thank goodness for unemployment.)
The divorce is getting ugly. George hired a lawyer and is making all kinds of threats. I think my heart breaks a little bit every day when I think of all the pain the last 11 years have caused. I should have filed for divorce when he moved out. It's hurt me and it's hurt Trey. And I think it's hurt George. He harbors this resentment because he thinks I have held him back. But you know what..I have to be selfish and say-I don't care. I am not responsible for his feelings. I never wanted anything from him but to be loved. He couldn't do that. He hates that I am with Trey and he sees me happy. (Facebook causes grief sometimes.) I just want it to be over.
I wondered out loud to Jennie a couple of weeks ago-"Am I never satisfied with what I have?" That thought scared me....I want to be satisfied....
I turned 39 at the beginning of March. I remember turning 19-I was working at Mervyns and Olan Mills...I was single, happy and very carefree. I remember turning 29-I had moved to Vancouver a few months before..my marriage was a few months old-we had gone to the beach for my birthday and had a nice day. I think I knew even then it wouldn't last. 39 was a good birthday-Trey threw me a nice party-people that I loved were there. I wonder what 49 will bring?
How did I end up with the Sunday blues on a Saturday night?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Dreams
Every time I have any sort of significant dream about Jason the dreams always take place in a circular grey 3 story house. The house has a lot of trees around it. The trees are always green and the ground is always slightly damp like its late Winter or early Spring.
You would think that after almost 11 years I wouldn't dream about him. So, when the dreams happen I always feel a little distraught. A bit sad. And all of the "what if" feelings rise again...to haunt me for a few days....cause my soul to ache and the unbearable tearing of all that I held dear back then rip some more so once again I feel raw and exposed...
In this dream we were in the house...it felt like we were arguing, but I am not sure about what. We were on the top floor...sort of a loft and I walked down the short flight of stairs to the second floor. He followed me. I started to tell him that I didn't know if our relationship was right...and he grabbed my arm..spun me around towards him...he reached out with his right hand..touched my face.."Johanna" he said so softly in that voice I've never been able to erase from my memory.."Please, just let me..." and then he leaned in...I could feel his breath on my lips...and then he laid his lips against mine...I cannot think of any other way to describe it other than laying his lips against mine....he pulled back away from me...just enough so we could look into eachother's eyes...and he asked me the question that I torment myself with every time I think about him. "Why? Why can't we change this?" My eyes filled up with tears and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I ripped myself out of the moment. I pulled away as if I was a movie camera. I saw both of us standing there as if I was looking in through a window at someone else. His hand on my cheek...everything grey...damp...staring at eachother..tears running down our faces...and he was saying..."change this...change this...we have to change this.."
I woke up...tears in my throat whispering "change this.."
Sigh...no wonder it's been a hard week.
You would think that after almost 11 years I wouldn't dream about him. So, when the dreams happen I always feel a little distraught. A bit sad. And all of the "what if" feelings rise again...to haunt me for a few days....cause my soul to ache and the unbearable tearing of all that I held dear back then rip some more so once again I feel raw and exposed...
In this dream we were in the house...it felt like we were arguing, but I am not sure about what. We were on the top floor...sort of a loft and I walked down the short flight of stairs to the second floor. He followed me. I started to tell him that I didn't know if our relationship was right...and he grabbed my arm..spun me around towards him...he reached out with his right hand..touched my face.."Johanna" he said so softly in that voice I've never been able to erase from my memory.."Please, just let me..." and then he leaned in...I could feel his breath on my lips...and then he laid his lips against mine...I cannot think of any other way to describe it other than laying his lips against mine....he pulled back away from me...just enough so we could look into eachother's eyes...and he asked me the question that I torment myself with every time I think about him. "Why? Why can't we change this?" My eyes filled up with tears and I suddenly couldn't breathe. I ripped myself out of the moment. I pulled away as if I was a movie camera. I saw both of us standing there as if I was looking in through a window at someone else. His hand on my cheek...everything grey...damp...staring at eachother..tears running down our faces...and he was saying..."change this...change this...we have to change this.."
I woke up...tears in my throat whispering "change this.."
Sigh...no wonder it's been a hard week.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
5 years!
Today is the five year anniversary of our first date! We went to Ester Short Park, spread a blanket under the trees and talked for about 4 hours. Then we realized it was after midnight and we were hungry. So, we went to Shari's and ate some food. Shari's is a 24 hour restaurant-similar to IHOP. Trey still giggles when she thinks about what I ordered. It was some sort of breakfast meal-but it was all meat! When my food came there was half a pig on the platter! She told me later that she was thinking-"Wow-this girl really likes meat!" (What can I say? I was nervous having my first date with a girl!)
I remember dropping off at her car. (We had met a mutual location) She looked at me, gave this big sigh and then got out of the car. I drove home a little confused...seriously thinking that she didn't like me and the next day we would have the "we're better off friends" conversation.
Obviously that didn't happen! Trey says that she sighed so heavily because she wanted to kiss me and she was afraid to. Thank goodness she got over that fear! :)
Yesterday, Trey was unexpectedly shopping near my work so we were able to go have lunch together. (Be amazed that I left the building during the day! That never happens.) We ended up at Shari's. On the way back to work, she was playing a CD that I made her a couple of years ago and this song came on that brought tears to my eyes. It used to make me cry for different reasons. But now it makes me cry happy tears-We have had an amazing 5 years-and the best is yet to come.
So, here are the words to the song:
Something Perfect
There’s an ache that’s missing today
There’s an emptiness that’s been filled
There’s a cloud that’s lifting and drifting away
There’s a ragin’ storm that’s been stilled
There’s a joy that’s real
There’s a wound that’s finally healed
There’s a future replacing the past
There’s breath of new life in the cast
And there’s something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows
It won’t disappear
This something that’s perfect
Happening here
No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow? No one can tell
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given
The world just made more room for heaven
And there’s something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear
And through countless tomorrows it won’t disappear
This something that’s perfectHappening here
I remember dropping off at her car. (We had met a mutual location) She looked at me, gave this big sigh and then got out of the car. I drove home a little confused...seriously thinking that she didn't like me and the next day we would have the "we're better off friends" conversation.
Obviously that didn't happen! Trey says that she sighed so heavily because she wanted to kiss me and she was afraid to. Thank goodness she got over that fear! :)
Yesterday, Trey was unexpectedly shopping near my work so we were able to go have lunch together. (Be amazed that I left the building during the day! That never happens.) We ended up at Shari's. On the way back to work, she was playing a CD that I made her a couple of years ago and this song came on that brought tears to my eyes. It used to make me cry for different reasons. But now it makes me cry happy tears-We have had an amazing 5 years-and the best is yet to come.
So, here are the words to the song:
Something Perfect
There’s an ache that’s missing today
There’s an emptiness that’s been filled
There’s a cloud that’s lifting and drifting away
There’s a ragin’ storm that’s been stilled
There’s a joy that’s real
There’s a wound that’s finally healed
There’s a future replacing the past
There’s breath of new life in the cast
And there’s something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fears
And through countless tomorrows
It won’t disappear
This something that’s perfect
Happening here
No one knows, so no one can say
That tomorrow all will be well
Will the brightest promise that shines on today
Shine tomorrow? No one can tell
But one thing is sure
And will be forever more
When such unselfish love has been given
The world just made more room for heaven
And there’s something perfect happening here
And this moment will bury the mountains of fear
And through countless tomorrows it won’t disappear
This something that’s perfectHappening here
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Ugghh...Lesbians!
Saturday night we invited our friend Abbie over for a last minute BBQ. Abbie is going through a very nasty divorce and her father just died...not an easy year so far for our Abbie! Anyway, we were BBQ'ing burgers and we needed some buns. We also needed firewood for the outdoor fireplace.
So, against my better judgement we decided to go to Wal-Mart and get both things at once. I really detest Wal-Mart. Whenever I go there I get very tense and stressed out. I won't go into all of the reasons that I get tense, but suffice it to say I am usually grumpy by the time I leave.
Trey and I are walking down an aisle, not really talking..just kind of focused on getting the things that we need. Let me pause to describe Trey & I. We really are the stereotype of "Butch & Lipstick". Trey has very short hair, wears shorts and t-shirts, no make-up, totally cute! I have long hair, wear make-up, dresses, very girly. You get the picture. And just let me stress this-we are not in any way shape or form threatening! Anyway, we are walking down an aisle in the store, not holding hands or anyway and this couple walks by us-typical hetero couple and the guy turns to his wife/girlfriend/friend after looking at us and says "Uggghh...Lesbians!" She leans in and whispers something to him and then turns and looks at both of us. Trey wasn't paying attention to them and didn't really see or hear what was going on. So, I look straight at the woman who is giving us the "evil" eye and say to her quite loudly, "Seriously?" She kind of started a bit, turned a little green around the gills and quickly looked the other way. Of course Trey heard me and she asked what was going on. I told her and she looked at the couple hurriedly walking as quickly as possible away from us and then we just started giggling. The couple had the lesbian fear in them now! What did they think we were going to do? Jump them and tattoo them with rainbows? Hit them repeatedly over the head while screaming "You must accept us!" Incapacitate them and then force them to watch us kiss each other?
Of course we did none of those things. Although we did seriously consider if we saw them again in the store that we would kiss each other in front of them. But that was just me being spiteful.
I guess it hurts me that in this day and age there are still people who think this way. I know there are so many people out there like that..I guess I just live in an insulated world of acceptance. Which in some ways makes me very lucky..I am loved and accepted. And for me a lesson in acceptance and judgement.
So, against my better judgement we decided to go to Wal-Mart and get both things at once. I really detest Wal-Mart. Whenever I go there I get very tense and stressed out. I won't go into all of the reasons that I get tense, but suffice it to say I am usually grumpy by the time I leave.
Trey and I are walking down an aisle, not really talking..just kind of focused on getting the things that we need. Let me pause to describe Trey & I. We really are the stereotype of "Butch & Lipstick". Trey has very short hair, wears shorts and t-shirts, no make-up, totally cute! I have long hair, wear make-up, dresses, very girly. You get the picture. And just let me stress this-we are not in any way shape or form threatening! Anyway, we are walking down an aisle in the store, not holding hands or anyway and this couple walks by us-typical hetero couple and the guy turns to his wife/girlfriend/friend after looking at us and says "Uggghh...Lesbians!" She leans in and whispers something to him and then turns and looks at both of us. Trey wasn't paying attention to them and didn't really see or hear what was going on. So, I look straight at the woman who is giving us the "evil" eye and say to her quite loudly, "Seriously?" She kind of started a bit, turned a little green around the gills and quickly looked the other way. Of course Trey heard me and she asked what was going on. I told her and she looked at the couple hurriedly walking as quickly as possible away from us and then we just started giggling. The couple had the lesbian fear in them now! What did they think we were going to do? Jump them and tattoo them with rainbows? Hit them repeatedly over the head while screaming "You must accept us!" Incapacitate them and then force them to watch us kiss each other?
Of course we did none of those things. Although we did seriously consider if we saw them again in the store that we would kiss each other in front of them. But that was just me being spiteful.
I guess it hurts me that in this day and age there are still people who think this way. I know there are so many people out there like that..I guess I just live in an insulated world of acceptance. Which in some ways makes me very lucky..I am loved and accepted. And for me a lesson in acceptance and judgement.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Neighbors from Hell
So, when I originally purchased my home it was with my now ex-husband. I wasn't competely in love with the house or the area but at the time I thought it would be me who wouldn't be staying. I thought he would be. I was wrong. He left and I got the house in the seperation/divorce. The house was brand new and in what I lovingly refer to as a "Stepford neighborhood." All the houses are 1 of 2 colors and they all look alike. Most everyone that lives in the neighborhood is retired. There is a HOA ran by the retirees-and those of you that know HOAs know that the President and VP etc live to measure the length of your grass, check to see if the gutters are clean and generally are busy bodies who have nothing else to do but make you and the other homeowners miserable.
One of the things I loved about the house was that behind us there was a protected wetlands. We moved here in February and we loved watching the wetlands come alive with flowers and all of the sounds of Spring. There were all kinds of animals that would wander through our yard-possums, raccoons, squirrels, coyotes etc. It was awesome.
Ok, fast forward a couple of years-and guess what..they built a neighborhood behind us. They built 8 houses and the bottom fell out of the real estate market and they stopped building. There are two houses kitty corner from us. 1 was occupied and the other one stood empty. Until 7 months ago. In moved 4 men. Not sure which one the owner is. They didn't have blinds or curtains on the house for a couple of months so we learned a lot about them. They enjoy having sex with multiple men at the same time. They enjoy painting the walls while wearing only their underwear. They practice pole-dancing in the living room while in their underwear. (They may be exotic dancers. I am not sure.)
None of those things makes them the neighbors from Hell. Just a little annoying but also some free entertainment. However, the most annoying thing they do is they will have parties that start at midnight or later. They will go outside into their backyard and drink, smoke and be very loud for hours on end. Since our bedroom is in the back of the house, we get to listen to it and try to sleep through the din.
Last night was the last staw! We were almost asleep-it was about 12:45AM and we hear one of the guys go out into the backyard and start a fire in his firepit. The smell of the fire was nice. But soon there were 8 people out there drinking and talking. They kept getting louder and louder. They brought out their dogs and got them all riled up and barking. This went on until about 1:30am when the girls that were there were yelling at the top of their lungs about dirt and slivers and the dogs were barking and it was just crazy loud. So, Trey got up out of bed, went to window and said "Usually we don't say anything, but could you please be respectful and keep the noise down." One of the guys-whose name turned out to be Jeremy-started screaming obscenities at her. Calling her every name in the book-dropping the F-bomb. So Trey calmly says-"next time we will just call the cops." She walked away from the window and he continued to scream obscenities at us. His friends were trying to drag him in the house. He then started yelling about how we had ruined his summer and that it was the weekend and it was only 1:30 in the morning and everything was completely F'd up now because of us. She laid back down in bed and we just kinda were quiet for a bit..not knowing what to say. A little tense that he would come out of the house and try to break one of our windows or something. Just as we started relaxing he came back out of the house and started screaming obscenities again. Then all of them got in their cars and went screeching out of their neighborhood yelling. Needless to say we couldn't go back to sleep for hours. The last I looked at the clock it was 4AM.
I am tired and grumpy and feeling a little less at home now. It's not like I can just go complain to the Landlord or move. I own the house..they own theirs. I don't want this animosity-we practically share a backyard. I should be able to get a good night's sleep without being called every name in the book for expecting people to behave like grown-ups. Am I wrong here?
One of the things I loved about the house was that behind us there was a protected wetlands. We moved here in February and we loved watching the wetlands come alive with flowers and all of the sounds of Spring. There were all kinds of animals that would wander through our yard-possums, raccoons, squirrels, coyotes etc. It was awesome.
Ok, fast forward a couple of years-and guess what..they built a neighborhood behind us. They built 8 houses and the bottom fell out of the real estate market and they stopped building. There are two houses kitty corner from us. 1 was occupied and the other one stood empty. Until 7 months ago. In moved 4 men. Not sure which one the owner is. They didn't have blinds or curtains on the house for a couple of months so we learned a lot about them. They enjoy having sex with multiple men at the same time. They enjoy painting the walls while wearing only their underwear. They practice pole-dancing in the living room while in their underwear. (They may be exotic dancers. I am not sure.)
None of those things makes them the neighbors from Hell. Just a little annoying but also some free entertainment. However, the most annoying thing they do is they will have parties that start at midnight or later. They will go outside into their backyard and drink, smoke and be very loud for hours on end. Since our bedroom is in the back of the house, we get to listen to it and try to sleep through the din.
Last night was the last staw! We were almost asleep-it was about 12:45AM and we hear one of the guys go out into the backyard and start a fire in his firepit. The smell of the fire was nice. But soon there were 8 people out there drinking and talking. They kept getting louder and louder. They brought out their dogs and got them all riled up and barking. This went on until about 1:30am when the girls that were there were yelling at the top of their lungs about dirt and slivers and the dogs were barking and it was just crazy loud. So, Trey got up out of bed, went to window and said "Usually we don't say anything, but could you please be respectful and keep the noise down." One of the guys-whose name turned out to be Jeremy-started screaming obscenities at her. Calling her every name in the book-dropping the F-bomb. So Trey calmly says-"next time we will just call the cops." She walked away from the window and he continued to scream obscenities at us. His friends were trying to drag him in the house. He then started yelling about how we had ruined his summer and that it was the weekend and it was only 1:30 in the morning and everything was completely F'd up now because of us. She laid back down in bed and we just kinda were quiet for a bit..not knowing what to say. A little tense that he would come out of the house and try to break one of our windows or something. Just as we started relaxing he came back out of the house and started screaming obscenities again. Then all of them got in their cars and went screeching out of their neighborhood yelling. Needless to say we couldn't go back to sleep for hours. The last I looked at the clock it was 4AM.
I am tired and grumpy and feeling a little less at home now. It's not like I can just go complain to the Landlord or move. I own the house..they own theirs. I don't want this animosity-we practically share a backyard. I should be able to get a good night's sleep without being called every name in the book for expecting people to behave like grown-ups. Am I wrong here?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
End of May...
Wow-so it has been an extremely busy 6 weeks...and so much in our lives have changed.
First things first-my body is not behaving and I am not sure what to do. So, we aren't quite back to the baby track yet.
My Mom came to visit on April 28th. Little did she know that as a surprise her best friend was on the flight with her. She found out at the airport! They never get to see eachother so we bought the friend a plane ticket and she came out for 4 days with my Mom. (Happy Birthday, Mom!) We took them to the Jerusalem Cafe for lunch, BBQ'd that night, got up the next morning and drove to the beach. Stayed at the hotel that we so dearly love! My mom, who hates being cold, sat in the hot tub while we splashed around in the water. Then she came and jumped in the pool twice..it was so funny to watch her sputter and laugh! We played at the beach the next day before driving home. We went to church on Sunday and then the Farmers Market. I missed them so much when they left.
The following Tuesday-May 4th-Trey got fired. I couldn't believe it. Such a trumped up reason. They wouldn't let her listen to the call. It was all very political. I am bitter and angry and through with this soulless place that I work for.
This has put us in a financial bind. Then they denied her unemployment-which means that this is going to get ugly as we fight for it.! I wonder how it will hurt me at work because I will help her. I start thinking-I don't care. They did this to themselves.
I started reading the 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse. I feel like I am a very toxic place in my professional life and I need to not be. This thing with Trey has made it more difficult. Although, surprisingly, when I am at work, I am totally able to set it aside and deal with the people who did this thing and no one could ever say different.
I think that there are more changes ahead for us. Trey and I have been talking about what we want in our lives. We really want to live at the beach. She is working on starting her own company-I am praying that I will see the change I need to have happen for me and my life. Spring is here (kind of-the rain is still pouring down and Tuesday is June!) and with this season comes the need for something incredible to happen. And so, it will.
First things first-my body is not behaving and I am not sure what to do. So, we aren't quite back to the baby track yet.
My Mom came to visit on April 28th. Little did she know that as a surprise her best friend was on the flight with her. She found out at the airport! They never get to see eachother so we bought the friend a plane ticket and she came out for 4 days with my Mom. (Happy Birthday, Mom!) We took them to the Jerusalem Cafe for lunch, BBQ'd that night, got up the next morning and drove to the beach. Stayed at the hotel that we so dearly love! My mom, who hates being cold, sat in the hot tub while we splashed around in the water. Then she came and jumped in the pool twice..it was so funny to watch her sputter and laugh! We played at the beach the next day before driving home. We went to church on Sunday and then the Farmers Market. I missed them so much when they left.
The following Tuesday-May 4th-Trey got fired. I couldn't believe it. Such a trumped up reason. They wouldn't let her listen to the call. It was all very political. I am bitter and angry and through with this soulless place that I work for.
This has put us in a financial bind. Then they denied her unemployment-which means that this is going to get ugly as we fight for it.! I wonder how it will hurt me at work because I will help her. I start thinking-I don't care. They did this to themselves.
I started reading the 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse. I feel like I am a very toxic place in my professional life and I need to not be. This thing with Trey has made it more difficult. Although, surprisingly, when I am at work, I am totally able to set it aside and deal with the people who did this thing and no one could ever say different.
I think that there are more changes ahead for us. Trey and I have been talking about what we want in our lives. We really want to live at the beach. She is working on starting her own company-I am praying that I will see the change I need to have happen for me and my life. Spring is here (kind of-the rain is still pouring down and Tuesday is June!) and with this season comes the need for something incredible to happen. And so, it will.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Cycle #2
We started watching my cycle again today. We should have been monitoring my temp the last 9 days...but I ignored the Basal Body Thermometer and didn't open it until tonight. So, I am actually 9 days into my cycle. I pee'd on a stick...tried out the BBT and got ready for bed. I will wake up in the AM and take my "official temp".
Finished a book today..cried the last 150 pages because one of the two main characters was dying of cancer. I cried so hard that Trey had to turn on her Mp3 player so she wouldn't cry with me. I get embarassed when I cry. I feel like I am still full of tears.
Goodnight Moon..
Finished a book today..cried the last 150 pages because one of the two main characters was dying of cancer. I cried so hard that Trey had to turn on her Mp3 player so she wouldn't cry with me. I get embarassed when I cry. I feel like I am still full of tears.
Goodnight Moon..
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