Saturday evening

Things are hard these days...In October we lost the house...we moved the 2nd week of November. We went from a 2004 cookie cutter house to a 1924 farmhouse. It's been hard on our relationship. We have had sex once since we moved. We spent a couple of months fighting over everything and nothing.

 Trey got some seasonal work over Christmas, but it ended right after Valentine's Day. (Thank goodness for unemployment.)

 The divorce is getting ugly. George hired a lawyer and is making all kinds of threats. I think my heart breaks a little bit every day when I think of all the pain the last 11 years have caused. I should have filed for divorce when he moved out. It's hurt me and it's hurt Trey. And I think it's hurt George. He harbors this resentment because he thinks I have held him back. But you know what..I have to be selfish and say-I don't care. I am not responsible for his feelings. I never wanted anything from him but to be loved. He couldn't do that. He hates that I am with Trey and he sees me happy. (Facebook causes grief sometimes.) I just want it to be over.

 I wondered out loud to Jennie a couple of weeks ago-"Am I never satisfied with what I have?" That thought scared me....I want to be satisfied....

 I turned 39 at the beginning of March. I remember turning 19-I was working at Mervyns and Olan Mills...I was single, happy and very carefree. I remember turning 29-I had moved to Vancouver a few months before..my marriage was a few months old-we had gone to the beach for my birthday and had a nice day. I think I knew even then it wouldn't last. 39 was a good birthday-Trey threw me a nice party-people that I loved were there. I wonder what 49 will bring?

 How did I end up with the Sunday blues on a Saturday night?